Cupcakes (again)

Dad’s birthday cupcakes with custom tags! I saw the idea on Twig & Thistle and while mine are rather basic in comparison, the folks appreciated it. Now, if only I could get my icing to not melt everywhere …

So, how is visiting my parents again, I hear you ask? The short answer: a little disconcerting.

I’ve been back a few times in the last couple of weeks and in a way, there hasn’t been enough distance yet. I mean, I haven’t been away long enough for them to be excited to see me. There is still a feeling of ‘oh, we saw you just the other day’, not ‘oh, I’m so happy to see you!’. I was definitely anxious about going back the first time after moving and I was hoping that there would be an improvement in my relationship with my mother, and I guess there was but it will take time for it to get to a point where I think we are friends. Both Dad and Simon both told me that I will get on better with her when I don’t live with her, so I live in hope.

Honestly, I’m a bit stuck in my head at the moment. I don’t quite know what to do with myself. Simon and I have agreed that I don’t have to start looking for a job until after we come back from New Zealand but the question is what kind of job do I want? The whole experience of working with my family has screwed with my head where I actually am convinced I won’t be able to handle a full time job or work in an office environment again. I’m paranoid that I will let people down, that my bipolar will ruin any chance I have of a ‘normal’ and productive career. Please don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful of the opportunity that my brother gave me to work at my own pace and get back on my feet. The problem was that I was bored and unmotivated in the last few months because it wasn’t my thing, it wasn’t what I’ve been working towards. It was my brother’s dream and I was tagging along and being underpaid to help their bottom line out.

I know I have options. For gods sake, I have two degrees and a lot of experience across a number of areas but another part of me dwells on the lazy, unmotivated and bored employee I was in the last few months. Who would employ that? I hear my father’s voice saying that I won’t be able to hold down a full time job. Is it just him being over-protective or is he really not aware of the hours I was working? Starting at 6.30am and sometimes being there until 6pm is pretty much full time, even if I didn’t ‘work’ every hour of that time.

I hope there is some clarity soon. I’m driving myself around in the well worn circles in my head.

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