Time to level with you. I know I’ve mentioned my weight before, and I still don’t want to make this blog about my weight/body issues/insecurities, but this is a part of my life I am trying to deal with, so it’s time to share a little bit of what is going on.
Last year before my surgery, my pre-op appointment involved being weighed, which, needless to say, I wasn’t expecting but probably should have. I’m very good at hiding from the truth of what I weigh and I felt terrible about what the scale said. I can’t remember the specifics now but it was around 89kg. In the notes about having a general anaesthesia, losing weight and being healthier was one of the things it recommended to help with recovery, which prompted me to get my act together and go back to the gym. I’ve had Couch to 5k on my phone for quite awhile and I decided that it was time to get moving on it.
I knew it would be a few weeks after my surgery before I’d be allowed back to the gym but I was hoping that I’d be keen to get back to it within that time. I didn’t factor in getting bronchitis that was borderline pneumonia.
In October, I started feeling myself again and I thought I’d give it a go, again. I got to week two and then I broke my toe. My attempts seemed to be thwarted by something physical every time. Was it a sign that exercise just wasn’t for me? Would I forever be destined to only achieve week two on Couch to 5K?
In December, I had a doctor’s appointment to get my health care management plan renewed and I needed to be weighed. I was very, very disappointed in myself. 92kg. At my heaviest in 2007 I was 96kg. I was edging back towards that and it felt horrible. How had I let myself get to that stage again?
Those photos were taken in December and January. I’m good at only presenting a certain side to the world – my Facebook profile picture is a photo with Chaos and I always chose ones that are just headshots. I hardly ever put other photos up. I rarely include photos of myself in my Project Life book, which means no photos of me go on Flickr. My Twitter profile pic is also a headshot. Easy to hide the tuckshop lady arms, bloated stomach and thunder thighs that way.
I know for me, until I am ready and willing in myself, I never commit more than half heartedly to weight loss. It’s usually a hundred little things all coalescing in my mind to reach a critical mass and suddenly I find I’ve run out of excuses.
That happened a few weeks ago. I’ve been quietly working back into Couch to 5k and I’ve finished two weeks. I start Week 3 at the end of the week. I’m scared and don’t know if I can actually run for 3 minutes, but I just have to get in there and do it.
One of the little things that started to penetrate the brain was a few of my favourite creative bloggers were sharing their weight loss journeys and it started to seem that I wasn’t alone being a creative/non-sporty type person who had put on a few kilos (or a lot). Cathy Zielske’s Move More Eat Less concept really appealed to me. It was creative and personal, it was whatever you wanted it to be. You could combine it with a diet program or work on it yourself. And it made you accountable to yourself.
That’s my folder at the top. My weight is 89kg as of Monday. My eating has improved. I’ve cut out a lot of dairy, as I was finding it bloated me. I’m working on cutting down on my carbs but this one is proving harder to conquer. I’m having my good days and bad days with sugar but there are more good days than there used to be. I’m going to the gym, I’m working through Couch to 5k, as well as doing some weights and rowing. I’m doing stretches and exercises at night. I’ve always loved yoga and I’ve started to do a little bit again with this DVD at home.
I’m taking this slowly. I’m not making this the be all and end all. I’m not shouting it to the roof tops. I’m just trying to make these things a part of every day, that they become something I just do. Yes, I have goals and I have an idea of what I want to achieve each month. I’m not leaving it open ended or without something measurable to keep track. It’s just one day at a time. Little steps towards the bigger picture.