Did I actually mention that I haven’t been so good of late? It started a few weeks ago and it felt like it was progressively getting worse, so much so I rang my psychiatrist to try and get an appointment. Unfortunately, he was on holidays, which began a farcial round of doctors appointments to get me nowhere.
I finally got to see my psychiatrist last Thursday and he did exactly what I thought he would – he increased my antidepressant by 5mg, after a lengthy discussion and the instructions to take a break (yeah, right), keep seeing my psychologist regularly and exercise. It took about a day to make a difference but I felt like my old self again after that. Its the first change in my medication in over two years, which I am disappointed about but I have to accept that adjustments will have to be made from time to time. Still, there is a part of me that feels a bit like a failure for not still being as ‘well’ as I had been.
The interesting thing was that my Mum and brother picked up on the decrease in my mood but my father had no clue and told me that ‘everyone has bad days.’ I retorted that I think I know the difference and if I am concerned enough to call my psychiatrist, its not ‘just a bad day’. My psychologist pointed out that he’s reverted to old thinking that because everything is seemingly okay its going to stay that way and ‘what’s the problem?’.
I honestly don’t know what to make of it. Does it mean he thinks I’m cured and I’ll always be on an even keel? Does he not fully comprehend what this all means and that brain chemistry can change with even the slightest hormone/chemical change in the brain? Does he not fully accept that I have bipolar and wants to sweep it under the carpet and pretend its not happening? Is it easier to pretend its not there? But on the flip side of that, my Dad is the one who has been through so much of this with me. He’s seen the devastation, he’s sat by a hospital bedside for hours, he takes care of my medication. It doesn’t seem to make any sense.
So, I have a few appointments in the next couple of weeks with my psychologist. When crazy work hours ends (which should be next week), I will back at the gym before work. I’m working hard at staying away from playing games on my iphone before bed (damn stupid addictive thing) and taking it easy with a book. I don’t think I’ll be having a ‘break/holiday’ any time soon but my parents will be away next week so maybe, just maybe, I can steal the dining room table to do some scrapbooking and get some creative release happening.
Graduation is next week, too. Can you believe it? I’m disappointed though that three important people won’t be able to make it. I still don’t have a flight to Melbourne either and starting to wonder if I should even bother going. I guess that’s just frustration talking. I’ll work it out. Five years of every change imaginable and a little financial constraint isn’t going to make me fall at the last hurdle.