I’m not ready

Let’s be completely honest: no matter what I’ve been saying or trying to convince myself of, I am not ready for a relationship. I am not ready to trust. I am not ready to be patient. I am not ready to let go. I am not ready to believe that someone could really like me for who I am.

I’m pretty sure that Coeur will be telling everyone that we broke up because I was too needy and pushy. In his eyes I’m sure that’s true. In my eyes it’s true, as well, because they were the ways I was acting out my fears, insecurities and the plain truth that I am not ready for love.

I’m sitting here wondering what more I have to do to be ready but it’s a hollow question. It’s time. It’s distance. It’s learning to trust myself. It’s dealing with the thoughts that run rampant in my head. It’s dealing with an event that happened 12 years ago and has seeped into my life over that time. It’s finding a place where I am happy on my own regardless of whether there is someone with me or not. It’s living on my own and knowing I can stand on my own two feet.

I’m not going back on any dating sites. I’m not going to advertise that I am single and looking for a date. I’m going to just be me for awhile.

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