Being smart hurts

Every good relationship starts with a solid foundation of friendship. Something that develops and grows over time. Something that is a natural progression of spending time with someone, talking to them, getting to know them, enjoying things together. That is the smart thing to do. The kind of things that will lead to longevity in a friendship and possibly something more.

I have this strange knack of knowing when someone has shifted in their feelings for me, even when they aren’t honest with themselves or with me. I can feel that pulling back and I sensed it on Saturday with Coeur. I began to doubt and that led to my spiraling thoughts along the lines of The Ex. That’s what I ran from on Sunday. That and the disappointment that my trust had been broken again.

We spoke on Monday morning and agreed that it was too much too soon, that we need to take things much slower. The tone of our conversations changed completely. He pulled back and kept me at a distance, the total antithesis of the week before. But then last night he rang to just say hi and see how I was. We were suppose to go for dinner last night but he was held up at work and suggested Thursday. Right now, I’m still not sure if that is going to happen but at the same time it just might.

This morning he said he was depressed. I asked why and he said he hated letting people down. I knew he meant me, he didn’t have to say it. He was being so distant and holding himself back so much that it was obvious. He said he wanted friendship with the possibility of more. He said that he thought he had been ready for a relationship but he wasn’t yet, that his ex really mucked him up (sounds so familiar …).

The disappointment is two fold. First there is the loss of all those affectionate things that I loved him doing for me, the attention, being someone’s girl. Second, its the realisation that I am not as ready as I thought either. The claws of what The Ex did to me are so much deeper then I thought and that is going to take time to recover from. As my Dad said to me, it is going to be a long time before I really trust men again and no, this doesn’t help me with my trust issues.

The door obviously hasn’t been closed. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking things slow, building a friendship and seeing where things go. Yeah, I am disappointed that all those things I love and have missed for so long have been taken away but who’s to say that in time they won’t come my way again? He is very clearly capable of doing them and maybe in time they will mean even more because they will be earnt and heartfelt.

I can’t deny that I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I really like this guy. I don’t think I’m wrong about him. I asked my Mum why this kept happening to me and what was wrong with me. She told me there was nothing wrong with me and I was going to be okay. If nothing else, I’ve become so much closer to my parents in the last few weeks because I’ve been open with them and they have been so supportive. I’m not ‘depressed’. I’m just sad because something I wanted hasn’t happened the way I would have liked. I really don’t believe there is anything wrong with me, its just circumstances and another lesson to be learnt.

It probably keeps happening because I am not ready myself yet. Perhaps starting over with Coeur and together learning to trust someone else might just be the best thing we could do for each. Only time will tell and once again, I have to work on my patience.


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