Here I was thinking that mentally I’ve been travelling pretty well of late. I seemed to be keeping things in perspective. But you know how I can kid myself into believing anything, which makes me even more suspicious of the games my mind is playing now.
The last week has been amazing. I’ve felt the happiest I ever have. Every morning I’ve gotten a text saying ‘Good morning sweetheart’. Every day Couer and I have talked online for hours and hours, joking, having fun, sharing things with each other. Its just been everything I’ve wanted a relationship to be. He is a doer and he makes things happen, which in itself has blown me away. We talked about something on Sunday and by Wednesday it was done. I’d have still been begging The Ex the day before to see if he had done anything.
And I knew, I warned myself, that there was huge expectation for me around seeing him this weekend. Amazing week, lots of ‘I miss you. Can’t wait to see you. Just want to be with you.’ and then to finally see him was wonderful. But then the attention is different in person. Online its words and emotions built around those words. You talk because you have to to let the other person know you are there. In person, words aren’t the main focus because that person is right there, they physically have you in front of them.
But my mind got crossed up. Online and text there is so much attention, so many words of affection. In person it was still there but I wanted more. I wanted the whole ‘I love you. Am so glad you are here. Stoke ego, etc, etc’. But here is the thing that has me so worked up: all the wonderful things he did like make me coffee every morning, let me sleep in, take me to breakfast, show me around where he lives, meet some of his friends, go to an art exhibition together, all paled because I felt him pull away from me. I felt the ‘I’m in this 110%’ change to 105% because we had been going way too fast (yes, that’s right. NOT because he didn’t care but because he did and wanted to take things slower). And with that, the flood of emotions of what that meant with The Ex came rushing back. And its almost like a self fulfilling prophesy isn’t it? You start thinking that its not quite as intense, that something has changed, therefore he’s no longer interested, therefore its all over, therefore you aren’t any good.
What a bloody slippery slop that is. Ten years of warped thinking with The Ex is stubbornly hanging around. I’m struggling with letting go. I’m struggling trusting someone I know will look after me. Someone I can see a future with. Someone I want to get to know more and spend alot of time with. Someone who I think is the one I am meant to be with.
So why did I ran away and not talk about all of this with him? I had this idea that he didn’t want to hear constantly ‘When I was with The Ex, when this happened, I’d think this’. I think I also realised I was being silly and reading things that weren’t there but I couldn’t talk about it. I had to get out and think, hit the steering wheel of my car and I even turned the radio off (unheard of for me when driving).
And now I just don’t know. I’m sitting here crying convinced that I’ve managed to ruin things completely because I haven’t heard from him since I texted him that I got home ok. Logically I’m sure he did some study and then went to bed, but I’m like ‘Well, why didn’t he text me goodnight?’ Maybe he wanted to give me space because it was quite clear something was bothering me. Even though he is an amazing guy he is still a guy who may think that that would be the best way to handle things. To my mind it just seems like more pulling away because I’m convinced no one would want to put up with these mind games I play. I’m convinced no one would want to take this on. Uggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.
How do I just let go? How do I just leap and say “what will be will be”?
But at the same time I have to cut myself and him some slack. Its only been just over a week that I’ve known him. We are not an old married couple who know each other inside out. There are times when we are thinking the same thing, but thats not because we intuitively know what the other is thinking. I don’t know for sure what his reactions will be. Sometimes they aren’t what I’d expect or what I think they should be, but that in itself is futile on my part because he is his own person and his behaviour is shaped by what he has been through. He doesn’t know my history, he doesn’t know the ins and outs of my relationship with The Ex. To be honest very few people, if anyone at all, knows the whole truth of what it was like living in that relationship every day. So how can I expect him to read my mind and know that those little things have so much expectation and emotion attached to them for me? How is he supposed to know any of that if I don’t tell him? How can I be upset about something he has no idea about? I am still getting to know him, even though so much of it feels so right and so comfortable.
And that in itself is scary. How do you have such a strong connection with someone so quickly? How do you just trust this intuitive feeling that this person is the One? How do you not question your own judgment when you’ve gotten it wrong so many times before? Ok, calming down now and tomorrow is a new day.
Must trust myself more. And I need to be more open with Couer. I need to tell him the shit I went through. He has a general idea but I think he needs to know the neglect, the feelings of abandonment, loneliness and worthlessness that pervaded the last few years of my marriage. And I have to trust that he is not going to treat me the same way because he is NOT The Ex. Couer has an integrity and strength of character that The Ex never had. And I need to give him more credit.
Mind, mental note to yourself: its time to live in the now. Enjoy the blossoming of an amazing relationship and not drag up past pain to ruin the future. Its time to move on.