she said to me, condescendingly …
Great lyric, John Mayer. And the real world is confusing and disappointing.
Surprisingly, it wasn’t because I screwed something up that things with Fish Boy didn’t work. Perhaps I actually saved myself alot of pain and heartbreak by standing outside of myself and saying to him “You’re not ready for this.” I really do believe he thought a relationship was what he wanted. I don’t think he deceived me in anyway, but he had not really allowed himself to heal from his marriage breakdown. He is still dealing with those issues that come back to haunt you, the wishing you still had a home together, the what ifs, even though you know that you would never go back. And when you aren’t whole, you can’t be true to who you are or to another person. I’m 12 months further down that path then he is right now.
Yes, I am disappointed. We had alot in common and I really enjoyed spending time with him. But he wasn’t ready and there is no point in trying to pursue a relationship with someone who’s heart isn’t in it. A relationship is two people, not one and kind of/sort of another.
The big thing this has shown me is that I can be me and function in a relationship. That is a big step forward for me. I really had no idea whether I would be able to still be myself, that someone else could like me for who I am now and also accept my bipolar and my history. There were alot of things right with what I had with Fish Boy but I can also see there were things that possibly wouldn’t be down the track. And I question myself now as to whether I really ‘liked’ him or was it just the whole relationship idea that I liked?
I found myself this afternoon being really frustrated. I got a glimpse of something pretty good, something I would like more of so why couldn’t things work out? When is it going to be my turn to find happiness in a relationship? Why is it that I’m perfect for others but no one is yet ‘Mr Perfect’ for me? How come I’m still single? If I had let it, it would have spiraled out of control but I walked along the beach, texted a few friends and spoke with Bestie on the phone. Perspective was restored and my patience mildly recharged.
Another learning experience but I am wondering how many more I need to have!! In the rest of my life, still studying, still working for my brother, doing karate and even went for my first grading the other day! Will know the results in a week or two so I may not be a white belt for much longer. Fingers crossed! Driving the manual is going well, although a few dodgy gear changes still ensue and how I lust after power steering … anyway, back to reality.