You know when you are a kid and its Christmas Eve? You know just around the corner are presents but you don’t know what they are exactly. You have to stop yourself from getting up in the middle of the night to go into the lounge room and shake them, prod them and maybe even peel one corner back to peek into them. So tantalisingly close but, to not ruin Christmas morning, you have to wait. You have to force yourself to go to sleep, even if it means counting thousands of sheep.
That’s me right now. Without the Christmas part. Let me back track a week.
Life has been going pretty well of late. Its been twelve months since I was last hospitalised with bipolar. I’m working for my brother now and I have a good routine and structure around me. I’m happy in my family life and with my friends. I’m doing karate and getting out and mixing with people other then family and those I work with, but there has been something missing. There have been nights where I have cried myself to sleep feeling alone and craving simple affection – someone just to hold me in their arms. It sounds so simple and you don’t know how important that is until you don’t have it anymore.
About two months ago, we went to a wedding of some old family friends. I was as uncomfortable at this one as I had been at the one last year. I really thought it was going to be different because the last one had been at the same place I was married, but I think its the concept of marriage, of trust and commitment that sees me having panic attacks. I’ve since spoken with my Agony Aunt, who was the bride that day, about it and she completely understood where I was coming from. Having been through a divorce, helped many friends through divorces and dealt with the emotional aftermath of what was her husband’s first marriage, she was sent to guide me through this next phase.
After long discussions over the crippling grief that overcomes you at unexpected times, the little things that you miss, the sense of loss for a shared life you had planned to live, and the journey to getting back into your life, my Agony Aunt helped me to the conclusion that I need to start dating again. As her and her soulmate met online, I was a little more open to the idea of putting up a profile again.
The last time I was on one of these dating sites I didn’t get very far. I despaired at how few people messaged me and the ones who did were not people I would be interested in and so I took it down. It was a sign that I wasn’t ready. This time …well, this time has been completely different! I have been on there for just over a week and I am pleasantly surprised at the number of guys that have actually messaged me. I’ve had quite a few offers of coffee dates and opportunities for ‘fun’, as well as a few new people to talk to online. The difference for me this time around is that not only am I relaxed, I am narrowing my search to people who live near me. Not someone out of state, not even in Sydney. Local because lets be honest, the point of having someone there for you is just that – they are THERE when you need them.
So, I’ve accepted two coffee dates. The first one was a nice guy and someone who would be a great friend but for me there was no attraction and not even an overwhelming desire to meet again. The second guy … well, now we are back to the Christmas presents.
We hit it off in a way I haven’t experienced in a long time. Dave Matthews Boy (DMB) is the kind of person I had almost given up on meeting here. The attraction was huge and mutual. I’m not going into details (sorry) but suffice to say that the first time he kissed me and then kissed my forehead I melted into the sand I was trying to stand on in heels. Its just it got too intense too soon and now DMB has put the brakes on things.
There is no outright ‘get lost’ but I just don’t know if there is going to be a second meeting. So I’m sitting here desperately fighting against my instinct to text, to email, to overanalyse and basically annoy until I get the outcome I ‘want’ (which ironically is usually the opposite outcome to what I wanted in the first place), and as that tactic has clearly not worked so well in the past, we are trying a new tactic.
New tactic is that there are plenty of more fish in the sea and perhaps DMB was sent to remind me that there is intelligent life where I live, and if that is all its meant to be, then it was great to be reassured of that. He did also introduce me to the Dave Matthews Band (how did I not know about them before???) and for that I am very grateful!
And now I must be p.a.t.i.e.n.t. Yeah, you know, that ‘thing’. Taking things slow is not in my nature but it is the right thing to do. Some times on first meeting someone you think ‘wow’, second meeting ‘what was I thinking?’, and third is a downhill slide. Taking it slow gives you the chance to find that out before you are suddenly sprouting undying love. Its all new to me as I’ve been known to jump in head first and let things burn far too quickly. So part two of the new tactic is to keep boundaries. I stomped all over them the other night which has led me to the conclusion that not only do I need to respect my own boundaries but other people’s as well. Part of that is the no texting, emailing or harressing. If something is meant to happen with DMB then awesome but if not, trying to influence it in some way isn’t going to get me anywhere faster.
The last week has been mind blowing to suddenly be aware of so many single guys living near me and some who might actually be interested in getting to know me! Hey, the confidence has taken a battering over the past decade but its now strong enough to say ‘just like I’m not attracted to some people, some people won’t be attracted to me and no use getting upset over it’. This new tactic is certainly alot less stressful!
Now I must return to waiting for Santa to arrive.
PS. yes, I know I promised to put some other posts up and I will get to them. New lovely, divine, lush, beautiful and gorgeous macbook doesn’t have a card reader and guess who can’t find her camera cable? 🙂