On Tuesday I saw my psychologist for the first time since before Christmas. What a long story I had to tell her! My frustations all boiled to the surface and came out as anger at many people and not necessarily warranted anger.
She picked me up on my black and white thinking – ‘I’ve done so much good and helped so many people and I get nothing in return!’. She told me to Stop, Pause, Breathe. To be mindful and while I can acknowledge what has happened to others I can’t take it on board, I need to put boundaries in place again. She also wants me to focus on balance again in my daily life, particularly my lack of exercise. I am such a slack arse!
One of my biggest frustations of late is that while I know I can work again I am a little stuck in how to go about it. Without an income none of my other plans can even begin to materialise. I can’t save money to be able pay a bond or buy furniture to move out of home again. I don’t have a consistent income to pay rent and bills. I can’t plan to travel or move back to Sydney without some savings behind me. I need my own space but that will only come with moving out – see cycle above.
My psychologist told me that I need a plan to get myself out of this frustration. With a plan I will feel like I am doing something and less like a victim which is the part I’ve cast for myself of late. I need to speak with the family and outline where I’d like my life to head. There is no roadmap for how we navigate this. None of us has been down this road of recovery and regaining independence before so its all new and I guess in alot of ways I have to intiate it and drive it forward. I need to plan how I am going to approach finding work and be realistic about how much I can take on straight away and what I can build into. I also have to be realistic about how long it is going to take me to save and reestablish myself in my own place. Its not going to happen overnight, next week or next month. It could be July before I can even think of moving out.
I feel alot better having an idea of where I am going but I am not looking forward to the conversation with the family. I think there will be disagreement over what I want and the timeframes that I would like to have things happen. I think they will be more accepting of my plan to move out locally first before moving back to Sydney by possibly the end of the year. But this is a big step for all of us and I’m not sure if the door to the gilded cage will be allowed open just yet.
And I finally heard from Angel this afternoon. He now has B and her two half sisters with him as his ex wife is still in a coma in hospital. A drunk driver hit them and he was terrified that he was going to lose B. He apologised for not having contacted me and I accept it but I am still stung that he couldn’t reach out to me. We’ll see how it goes from here but obviously his time to chat will be limited with the care of the girls.
Whats the word I’m looking for? Oh yeah. Patience.