Well this is certainly testing the limits of my fledgling patience.
Everything happens for a reason, I know that. I’m right where I am meant to be supposedly. All the cliches can be brought out but none of them make sense and all of them just mean letting go of Angel.
We’ve gone from talking every day for over a month to almost nothing for a week. I know this isn’t anyone’s ‘fault’ and I know this silence isn’t aimed at me when your child is in intensive care, but it stings nonetheless.
I hate not knowing what is happening but I can’t force him to reply to my texts or calls, as much as I wish I could. But nor can I just stop caring. I can’t turn off my concerns, fears or emotions. I wish there was some way to do that because this feels rotten. I don’t want to turn my back and say ‘Well, you don’t want to talk to me so forget it.’ I don’t want to forget him.
But I’ve only known him for a month and only online. Perhaps I read more into it. Perhaps I saw something there that he didn’t now that he is faced with an horrendous situation and what we had wasn’t strong enough to help. I guess you can’t think of developing a relationship when another is shattered or clinging to life.
I miss him, as stupid as that sounds. Making silly jokes, asking me how I am, telling me about his day, talking about music, books, jazz.
I have to let go and move on, don’t I? There is nothing I can do beyond what I already have. Until he reaches out to me and asks for my help I have to let go. It doesn’t mean I don’t care or want to help, but I can’t bleed my heart out when its not wanted or going to help anyone, especially me. If I wallow in this for too long it will bowl me over and I can’t let that happen, not for anyone.