Love, pain and the whole crazy thing

Through helping out a bit at my brother’s business, I met a great girl through one of the suppliers. We became friends outside of there and we’d been talking alot lately as things had been changing for her quite rapidly. Miss V had been retrenched from her job, she had found out that she was pregnant, her wedding was brought forward and then her fiance was diagnosed with cancer. Hell of a couple of weeks for anyone.

And this morning I found out that it went deeper into hell on Saturday. Her fiance took his own life. From planning a wedding, she is now planning a funeral. My heart broke for her into a million pieces as she told me that she felt so lost, that he was her world and nothing felt real anymore.

The most surreal thing for me is that I can see both sides. I can completely understand why he did this – the fear that everyone around him would suffer more through his illness, that he would be inflicting pain on others and that they would all be better off without him. And then I can see Miss V’s pain, the searching for answers and ringing his mobile just to hear his voice on his voicemail message.

This rammed home to me what suicide does to the people left behind. When you are in that black tunnel nothing anyone says touches you. Your sole focus is on how to end the pain. You don’t understand how dying causes more suffering then living through whatever it is that you fear. That the ones left behind struggle to pick up the pieces and learn to live with a gaping hole in their hearts.

I was doubled over in anxiety and horror. I knew I had to be there for Miss V. I knew I had to make it through the day but in that moment it flashed before my eyes and tore at my heart. That could have been my parents, my brother, Buffy, Bestie … I felt absolutely sick.

And to top off the day – my Grandmother was rushed to hospital with shortness of breath. They weren’t able to pinpoint what caused it (love modern medicine) and she is back home tonight. I breathed a sigh of relief when Dad phoned to say she was home. I did see her in hospital late this afternoon but it overwhelmed me and I was shaking with the stress and fear of what the day had brought me.

A beautiful angel has helped  me through today. Someone who understands this damn life/death thing like I do. Someone who cares that I am okay and lets me talk so I can be there for Miss V without bringing my pain to her.

Angels appear in our lives when we need them. I am grateful for my beautiful angel tonight.

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