I’m a cancerian. While I love long hot showers and a luxurious soak in a spa, I’ve never been a beach person. So it seems strange even to me that in the last few weeks when I’ve needed space to think, I’ve found myself going to a particular beach and wandering in the shallows. Its slightly out of character for me, not being the kind of person that likes sand or getting sunburnt, but the sound of the waves and the beauty of the environment have touched me and somehow, soothed me.
Today would have been my seventh wedding anniversary and because of a couple of other circumstances going on at the moment, it hit me a little harder then I expected it to. I tried to distract myself with a book and lots of coffee this afternoon, but it was only when I sat on the rocks looking out to sea that I actually felt calm against the storm raging inside of me.
The well worn soundtrack has been threatening to overwhelm me in the last week. I’ve accused myself of being callous, selfish, a rotten person, a failure … I could go on. Buffy and Bestie have been constant sources of encouragement – what other people think does not change who I really am, I’m strong, etc. I’m still learning how to tread this path of taking life’s knocks without plummeting into an abyss that I know too well.
I gave up everything I knew 18 months ago. I’ve fought harder then I thought I possibly could to reclaim my sanity. I can’t let others have the power to take that from me because of miscommunications and hurt pride. I’m learning the hard way to navigate relationships after years of tunnel vision that excluded so many people from my life and its not easy for me and yes, I’m going to trip over myself through inexperience.
And while I sat looking out to sea I realised that life is going to throw alot of shit at me and its how I deal with it that makes the difference. Everything happens for a reason I keep being reminded. So there are lessons to be learned from the last week and perhaps the greatest one is how to hold onto myself in the storm rather then give in to it. Its getting easier but please give me time to find my feet on this unfamiliar path. What might seem the norm for everyone else is very new to me.
Yes, I am in a much better place then 18 months ago. I know I am a better person not being married to The Ex. For whatever reason this is where I am and its time to accept it as it is. Fighting against it is wasting emotional energy that isn’t worth expending. I’m much better off putting that energy into maintaining relationships that are important to me and I value. Opportunities will arise for me when they are meant to and no matter how much I want/need/beg/wish for things to be the way I think they should be, its not going to happen by my schedule.
The universe wins every time. And I’m okay with that tonight.