Ah, yes. The wise sage that is my psychologist pointed out that there was a theme that ran through both events that happened to me on the weekend.
For so long I wore a mask, hiding deep inside of myself because I feared that no one would like me. I now find myself in a strange position where I’m more confident in myself that I don’t need to wear a mask to hide from the outside world. Its just I somehow have to find a happy medium between the two and I’m still navigating my way through that and kind of didn’t do so well at that over the weekend.
And therein lies one of my problems – I give of myself too freely, too honestly, too openly. I’m learning the hard way where the boundaries need to be. My thoughtlessness on Saturday, which lead to much unnecessary stress for alot of people, was me crossing a boundary that did not need to be crossed. I was being my usual self, chatting about things and many of the things I said did not need to be passed on to a casual friend. I can talk that freely with Buffy, but to the rest of the world I have to have more restraint and foresight.
Tau. Well, here is another great example of me giving too much of myself, investing too much of myself into something which is just leading me into confusion and frustration. Since that ‘amazing’ conversation on Saturday night there has been nothing and that has confused me. But the wise sage again pointed out that online relationships have a very different way of playing out as opposed to meeting someone that you see on a regular basis and get to know. Online you go very quickly from meeting to very close intimacy and the getting to know you bit in between gets lost along the way.The lines are blurred because we only meet online and are in two different countries. I’m frustrated because in my mind hearing from Tau during the week would say ‘yes, I really do like you and this is more then just online’ but in truth its not a relationship that is at that stage.
In relationships I’ve always been ‘all or nothing’ which has been a rather obvious reflection of who I have been and my state of mind. I invest so much of myself that it does become an obsession and that is not healthy for me to do anymore. And not hearing from Tau says to me ‘well, I’m really not that sure anymore and maybe it was just a fleeting thing after all.’ Not hearing from The Ex during the day became more common place and it was a sign that he had given up caring for me, and unfortunately its going to take me awhile to trust that it might be different now. I know Tau is not The Ex (thank god!) but I don’t have much else to compare things to. My last experience was one of increasing neglect and loneliness which makes me fearful but also makes me realise that I have to put some boundaries up for myself.
Things with Tau may or may not become more than an online relationship. I know I like him and I feel a connection with him but beyond that I don’t know. But its not fair on anyone for me to be expecting that those signs of a longer term relationship should automatically happen – text messages, emails, MSN messages, phone calls, etc. I need to find a boundary to protect this fragile heart of mine so that I’m okay with a relationship developing over time, knowing it isn’t going to be a fairy tale that goes according to a pre-ordained script without disappointment.
Yes, I noticed that this came back to patience as well. Need to get that tattoo and brand myself with the bloody word.