Somehow it happened. What I thought I could never confront, what I thought was not possible, finally happened. I told my family how I really felt, how I’d felt since I was a child and the world didn’t end.
There was an ugly argument and I had to walk away to clear my head but, when I came back I told my brother the truth and he promised he would help me. As a family, we sat down and talked. They listened to what I had to say and while I don’t know how much they saw it from my point of view (there was alot of ‘But it wasn’t like that’), we have taken a step in a direction that I never felt possible.
This week has been extraordinary for me. There is no fog. There is no anger. There is no questioning myself. There is no fighting with myself. There is no searching for something outside of myself. There is no chasing my tail. I feel whole.
As much as it does hurt to say that Tau is gone, I can’t thank him enough for being the catalyst to enable me to reach this point. Without him I would not have seen how deep my pain went, how it coloured everything I did. Without confronting the hole, without doing something to try and heal it, I was forever going to be Needy Willow, the girl who is great but then rapidly descends into obsessive girl. I am not that person.
I’ve fought this my whole life and it feels very surreal to not be fighting anymore. I no longer feel empty which will be something I need to adjust to. I guess I wasn’t ready to face this before now and perhaps I needed to reach a certain point in my recovery to be able to process this and approach it with some rationality and, dare I say it, patience.
The healing has begun and the hole is much smaller then it was this time last week. I guess my horoscope was spot on.