Adventures in cyberland are not entirely how I remember them.
Back in my youth (oh, how funny to be saying that!) I hung around with a great group of guys who were all studying computer science and they introduced me to IRC. Before webcams, before Skype, before sending photos over MSN took mere seconds. It was a text screen where you entered ‘channels’ and you tabbed between the channels you were in, which on a fun night could be many! You got to know the people you hung around with pretty well.
I had a few ‘online’ relationships and know the pitfall of having this amazingly close relationship and then meeting the person in real life and going ‘oh’. So I know that what is said online doesn’t always translate into the real world where you are forced to live. What you create in your head is not always the reality and I can understand why people get so addicted. Who wouldn’t want to live in that perfect world where everything someone else says is said with as much sincerity as you say things?
One of the things that surprises me is that there seems so little respect towards relationships. Its all ‘Hi, how are you? Want to see me wanking off on my cam?’ Ahh, no. Not really my thing thanks. You’ve seen it once, its not going to be much different the fourth or fifth time so why bother? And my god, how many times have I been proposed to? Seriously, two weeks ago it was five times; last week was a slow week with only one but an offer for someone to be my slave made up for it a little.
What happened to conversation? What happened to the idea of getting to know someone before proclaiming you will run off to another country to meet them? Its like the boy who cried wolf – I’m not believing it anymore and thats disappointing.
I have met a couple of great people who are brilliant conversationalists and will probably become long term friends but one is a commitment-phobe and the other is 18. Just a smidge too young for me – I was in high school when he was born!
We all know that I want to read the last page of the chapter before it begins. I am being impatient. I want this next stage of my life to happen. I miss affection, I miss conversation with someone who is interested in what I have to say and wants to chat about things that I find meaningful and important. I need intellectual stimulation that I’m not getting from eating dinner, watching the news and talking about who I think is going to win Idol this year.
I want to be someone’s princess. Is that a stupid thing? I love being spoiled and love those signs of affection that affirm to me that that person is thinking of me and wants to do things to make me happy. I want to surrender to a relationship where I don’t have to be brave all the time, where curling up in their arms can just make the day seem right. And no, none of that can come from cyberspace.
So, why am I not getting myself out into the real world? Apart from the complete lack of decent, eligible males where I live, to be completely honest I am afraid of rejection. Afraid that someone will see me and say ‘Too fat’ or ‘Not pretty enough’ and then if I get beyond that, ‘Too complicated, ‘Basket case’ or ‘Weirdo’. I thought I never had to do this again, this searching and waiting for someone to come into your life. Its not so much the person you grieve for in a divorce. Its the dreams and the world you had created and all of those little things it entailed.
If you know of any single, funky, creative, compassionate and ‘normal’ men in their 30s who can handle a challenge and a little baggage, send them my way. Please.