31 things: transportation

I grew up around cars and car racing. It is in my blood. I love nothing more than driving a beautiful car along a long, winding road and enjoying the sound of a finely tuned engine. Yes, I am a rev head in high heels. I learnt to drive on an automatic car, as that was all we had at the time. All I wanted was to learn on a manual and my best friend at the time tried to teach me, but let’s be honest, it was a spectacular failure.

It wasn’t until I was almost 32 before I learnt how to drive a manual car and I haven’t looked back. The circumstances as to why I had to learn to drive a manual at the time involved me blowing up my Dad’s car (which thankfully, wasn’t as bad as initially thought) but the outcome has been a couple of years of driving pleasure and the knowledge that when I have restored my MGB, I will be able to drive it!

My first car was a Volvo and that car lasted for years. My second car was a silver Honda Civic, with the unfortunate nickname of the Demon Car from Hell. It was magnetically attracted to other cars and I swore I would never buy another Honda Civic (again, with the NEVER). I followed that up with my parents’ Magna and then a hand-me-down Hyundai Accent. When I left Sydney I took the MGB but I couldn’t drive it. It’s been sitting in the shed at the farm ever since.

For a couple of years I drove whatever car Dad bought off eBay at the time, until the Pulsar arrived as the ‘only car available that is cheap and you have to learn to drive a manual’. It was a cool little car but it had no air conditioning and no power steering. It wasn’t ‘my car’ per se, and with the commuting back and forth to Brisbane that I was doing, I decided to buy myself a car. It felt really, really good to say it was my car, that I was paying the car loan for it and I could drive it whenever I wanted without having to ‘ask’. And what did I get? Another Honda Civic!

It was one of my favourite cars and it was my go-kart. It drove well, it had air conditioning, it was comfortable and it had no problems with the number of kilometres I put on it. I was honestly sad to let it go. When I moved to Brisbane, we didn’t need two cars and only had garage space for one. Simon’s Mazda was newer than the Civic, as well as a four door, as opposed the two door go-kart.

When I started work at the uni, I caught the bus. It is a ten minute drive but it was a half hour journey on the bus. I had to drive a few times to campus to do other things after work and I got hooked on driving to work again! When I did the calculations, it is cheaper to park at the uni than it is to catch the bus each day, as well as much quicker! Plus I have the added advantage that I leave when I want and can head home when I want in the afternoon. Parking is the fun part of my morning, but I think I’ve worked out the best time to leave and where the best places are on campus to try to get all day parking.

The car I’ve always wanted is a dark blue Subaru Impreza WRX with the silver mag wheels,  one of the very early ones that doesn’t have the tuned down engine capacity. Everyone tells me they are a waste of money, in terms of resale but that’s not what it’s about for me! My tastes have improved somewhat  and I would love an Audi or an Alpha Romeo Brera (hey, it looks like a baby Astin Martin!). I adore Simon’s mum’s Audi A5 and my god, is that a beautiful car to drive! Realistically, our next car is likely to be a newer Mazda 3 and I’m happy with that, too.

31 things: work

Oh, how my career has meandered, stalled and crept along! I remember being very definite as a child that I wanted to be either a lawyer or a fashion designer. Somewhere along the line those career paths fell by the wayside. In year 10, I did my work experience as a graphic designer and I said I would never do that as a career (does anyone else see a theme when I say I’ll NEVER do something?). In year 12, I spoke with our career advisor (who I look back on now and wonder how he had a job) about studying curatorship or museum studies. He wasn’t very helpful and my only option at the time was to move to Canberra, which as my mother wasn’t  happy about me applying for universities in Sydney, she was going to be much less receptive to Canberra! I went through year 12 with the goal of studying architecture but when it came to my final universities preferences, I ended up back in Wollongong.

I started my creative arts degree in mixed media and after discovering I was a little bored, I picked up a second degree in Informatics. Due to a scheduling conflict with my two majors, I changed to graphic design as my creative arts major (no surprises there). By third year I just wanted to finish and dropped back to one major and graduated with a graphic design degree. My first job was as a production assistant at a legal publisher and from there I became the production co-ordinator. It was desktop publishing of dry legal material and not very inspiring. I went with the flow when the company was acquired by a larger legal publisher, hoping that there may be other opportunities or even the possibility of moving internationally within the company. It didn’t eventuate.

From there I floated for a few years when I left. I freelanced and made good money but I was very unconfident in my abilities in both my design skills and my ability to run a business. I drifted into part time admin work, which I enjoyed and then was headhunted to be a designer again. After a stint working in a rather soul destroying position, while I progressively becoming sicker, I moved to an executive assistant position with my first boss in the legal publishing company.

I loved working for Oli. I was surrounded by brilliant minds doing work that would potentially make huge differences in people’s lives. Oliver was involved in so many projects and consulting work that my days were varied and interesting. I was designer, event planner, assistant, travel coordinator, receptionist, keeper of the keys (Oliver was notorious for losing things – even his wallet on the plane to Melbourne!) and art critic (Oliver also loved Gray’s Online and purchased A LOT of art). It was a fantastic place to work – an old terrace house in North Sydney, with classic furniture but not pretentious at all, where we could bring our dogs to work and with a brilliant cafe across the street. It came to an end when I had to leave Sydney. Oliver has kept in touch and he still checks up on me. We always joke that everyone that works with Oliver somehow comes back to work with him again. Maybe one day.

From my most amazing job to date, to a period of utter soullessness, while still being very unwell. I temped at a real estate and then as a legal secretary, before having to leave my job again due to illness (nothing like signing a resignation letter hooked up to a heart monitor in hospital). Over the next twelve months, as my brother built his business, I started doing admin work for him and building up to be his office manager. For awhile, it was really enjoyable and my days were varied, but it was never going to be enough for me. The food industry and wholesale was not my background or where I wanted my career to go.

Throughout all of that turmoil, I still clung to the idea of working in a museum or art gallery. I did a short course in event management in 2002, a business marketing certificate in 2003, volunteered at museums, before starting a Master of Arts Administration in 2005. This felt like I was on the right path. As with my job with Oli, I had to leave that all behind in Sydney. I didn’t want to give up on what I had started and I looked into somehow trying to finish. I settled on a Master of Cultural Heritage by correspondence through Deakin in Melbourne and I kept going. I wanted my internship to be something I could build upon, something meaningful to where I wanted to go. By this stage I had shifted my idea from curatorship to museum education, but I was unable to secure anything living in such a regional area as I was at the time. My internship was at the local council, doing research into their proposed heritage trail and while it was indeed interesting, it was not how I envisaged my internship. In 2010, I finally graduated with that Masters and I walked across that stage to receive my degree with a sense of triumph and pride at the sheer determination I had to overcome so much to get that degree.

Last year I made the move to Brisbane and I struggled with where I wanted to go. Fear of failure and ‘What if’s’ filled my head, being unsure of what I was capable of. I applied and never heard back about jobs I thought I was more than qualified for. I realised that the arts community is such a small network that I had to start from the bottom and worm my way in. I started volunteering at a small museum and my confidence came back. I knew it was going to take some time, and more study, to end up in museum education, so I applied for admin work at the university and here I am.

I’m working in the mining industry (of all things!) and for both finance and education in my department. It’s not ideal and I knew it was never going to be, but it is a stepping stone into the system. Once you are in, other avenues open up. My next step is to build a relationship with a mentor in the arts field. I have someone in mind and just need to approach them. Next year I want to go back to study and do a Graduate Diploma in education, focusing on early childhood and learning spaces. I’d love to do a Churchill Scholarship and see how arts education in undertaken in some of the best museums in the world. I want to do my PhD but I want to wait until I am in a position where it will be relevant to my work and not be disconnected from my job, as my Masters was.

My day to day work is a means to an end but saying that, I like what I am doing here and I like the people I work with. It’s nice to be able to say that and it makes this stepping stone pleasant.  Onto my next leap!

31 things: you

AGE| 34

FAVOURITE TIME OF MY DAY| The small time window when I get home from work, I put the kettle on, have some time with the cats, settle down on the lounge to read (a book, a magazine or blogs on my iPad) and wait for Simon to come home from work. I usually leave the front door open and there is a nice breeze coming through in the afternoons. The cats often sit at the door watching the outside world and waiting for Simon, too. I love that moment when he walks in the door and the first thing he does is to walk over and gives me a kiss. Our evening starts from there.

LOVING| This life. I think I’m tipping over into sappy now, but this life we’ve created in Brisbane is what I have always wanted. The easy going way we share our lives. While our little flat is not ideal, we do cope. I like my job, I like going to work and I love that I work for a university. I feel loved and supported by my network that I’ve built over the last few years. My bipolar is STABLE. We are not struggling financially and we don’t argue over money. Our life together is lovely.

LONGING FOR| Remember how I said our little flat isn’t ideal but it’s okay? I am longing for more space. A spare bedroom for people to stay over. A large study where I can spread out and work on my craft projects. A lounge where we can lie down and be comfortable. I am longing for my things that are still in boxes five years after they were put in them. I am longing for a kitchen where we have bench space, the cupboards aren’t broken and the oven is not squashed into a corner. I’m longing for quiet – no bollywood music, no loud parties at midnight, no off key singing from the neighbours’ friends at 2 in the morning, no drag racing around the roundabout, no listening to what everyone orders from Red Rooster across the road, no more construction work at 6am. I am longing for pleasant smells – no more cigarette smoke from downstairs, no more incense from next door, no more KFC grease smells wafting across the road. I’m longing for a home.

INSPIRED BY| I am always inspired by artists like Ali Edwards and Elise Blaha Cripe. I love reading their blogs, their photographs, the way they put projects together. What they do inspires me in my own crafts, the way I see the world and how I take photos of that. Beyond craft, for a long time  I’ve been inspired by William Morris and the Arts and Crafts movement. Their philosophy speaks to a deep part of my soul. My style icons who inspire me are Audrey Hepburn, the classic elegance of Princess Mary of Denmark and the minimalist chic of Gwenyth Paltrow.

DREAMING OF| Marrying Simon. I’ve been told to stop looking at wedding blogs and getting excited. It’s not going to be this year (sorry, folks) but it is going to happen. We’re negotiating what kind of wedding (big or small? Formal or informal?) and I’m trying to hold strong on the big party with all of our friends. We may have to meet somewhere in the middle. At the end of the day, it’s not about that one day, it’s about the life we share and the legal recognition of that commitment to each other.

NEEDING| More sleep! My sleep routine has never been great and it’s also something that I’ve come to realise has a rather large impact on my bipolar. I’ve been gently easing myself into a routine where I’m in bed before 9.30pm, I turn off any electronic devices I’ve been playing with (When I start playing Plants vs. Zombies I just can’t stop!) and read until I turn the light out at 10.30pm. This is working better and I do feel tired at the end of the day. Staying up to all hours like I used to just doesn’t seem possible anymore. I like that feeling.

NAVIGATING| This world of working full time and managing bipolar. When I lived in Sydney, and for most of my working career there, I suffered depression (which was officially diagnosed at 24) and undiagnosed bipolar (it was only officially diagnosed at 29). Working within that was incredibly hard, wearing a mask at work to get through and crumbling at the end of each day. This time around I’m on the right medication that has been working for awhile now, I have a stable home environment and I work regular hours. My psychologist told me many a time that I would find this easier than I thought and of course, she was right. I have noticed myself getting a bit ratty by the end of the week, so some small tweaks are needed to keep making this work.

STRUGGLING WITH| My relationship with my brother. We had an argument a few weeks ago that upset me terribly. There was a misunderstanding but there was also a lot of pent up tension and underlying issues we have avoided. Numerous people have told me that it is most likely coming from a place of frustration and unrest in his life and I need to not let it get to me. We were so close a few years ago but we’ve drifted apart. I don’t know what is the best way to handle this.

KNOWING| I fought hard for this life and I am incredibly proud of myself for what I have achieved. Being content with who I am and knowing everything will work out as it’s meant to, that is a good feeling.

31 things: conversation

The most important conversations I have on a daily basis are with Simon. We have always talked by some form of communication. We started back in 1996, when I was in Wollongong and Simon was in Townsville, with our own channel on IRC (#chaos) where we talked about everything all the time. We moved to calling each other, Simon even buying me a cordless phone so we could keep talking when I needed to do things. I often fell asleep with the phone. Over the years that changed to emails and text messages, sometimes being able to catch up in person. Since October 2009, when we finally took the next step in our relationship, we have spoken every single day, all 935 days. There were some large phone bills, with a million texts flying between us. Emails, Google chat and our mobile phones got us through the times between when we could see each other. We also sent each other cards, or there was a note with flowers delivered to my work.

Since we moved in together, talking to each other is mostly face to face but during the day we text a lot and call each other as well. We talk about everything: What will we have for dinner? Do the cats have enough food and water? What TV shows downloaded today? How was your day? I love you. Can you add that to the shopping list? You’re going away again?!? That last one has been too common in the last few weeks with Simon travelling so much for work. It will return to normal next month and I love these, albeit brief, periods where he has been home. Our newest way to keep in touch when he is travelling is FaceTime. I had an original iPad without a camera and Simon upgraded it to an iPad2 so we could FaceTime before his first trip last month. When he is away, we try to Facetime at least twice a day – usually when we have just gotten home from work and before we go to bed. I need that face to face with him, even if he is hundreds of kilometres away from me.

Most of my closest friends live so far from me. I make an effort every day to keep in touch. Buffy and I go through phases with our friendship (I just go with it now!) and we are texting each other every day at the moment. It made me think that there is no reason I can’t do the same thing with Bestie and our friendship means so much to me, so we now text each other every day as well. I also text Jacki on a semi regular basis and Gracie has been texting me a bit more, too. To still be a part of their lives and them being a part of mine is important to me and I value our friendships very highly. Buffy and I, and Bestie and I have been friends since high school. Jacki and I have been close friends for about four years now and Grace has been in my life for the last two years.

I try to speak to my parents at least once a week on the phone. Sometimes it is more, sometimes it is less. Dad is pretty good with text messages, but Mum took to it like a duck to water! Since her phone broke she hasn’t been texting but I found out last weekend that she has a new one! The conversations I have with my parents have changed over the years and this groove we are in now makes me happy. They are interested in my life and they listen to what I say. I like hearing about how things are with them, finding out all the Ballina gossip.  When we spend time together, either in Brisbane or Ballina, we talk to each, joke with each other and enjoy the time we have together.

Right now, I wish I was able to speak more to my Grandma. I hesitate to call with her schedule at St Andrews, but also with her eyes and getting around to the phone. I know I won’t have her forever and I need to take chances while I can, lest I regret it when she is gone. I have to work on this.

Beyond my nearest and dearest, I talk to my cats (more so when Simon isn’t home) and in their own way they reply. I talk back to the TV and the GPS, which Simon finds hilarious (and has been known to change the TV channel to reduce my blood pressure). I talk to my co-workers a lot, especially Danellie who I share an office with. Emails fly backwards and forwards all day, making me feel a part of something bigger than myself. I have brief conversations on Facebook with my wider circle of friends, although I don’t turn on chat. I have conversations with friends on Twitter and Instagram. I speak with the man who makes my coffee each morning. I say hello to people as I pass them in the hallways at work. I try to always be polite and friendly to people I interact with. It makes it all worthwhile when you see that you have made a difference to someone else by just being nice and smiling at them.

31 things: spirit

I grew up in the Catholic faith as that was the faith of my mama and my grandparents. My Dad and his side of the family was Catholic but lapsed Catholic is probably more apt. I went to Catholic schools and I even worked for the Catholic Church. On the last census I ticked ‘No religion’ and even though I grew up surrounded by Catholicism, I can no longer identify myself as a Catholic.

My loss of ‘faith’ is not a loss of spirituality. It is a question of organised religion and how humans twist and turn the vulnerability of others to their own advantage. I question too much of the doctrine of religions and I detest the hypocrisy that I’ve witnessed. The Catholic Church is built upon the self interest of many men, and men are fallible. Man has opinions, desires and beliefs, regardless of whether they are ‘Men of God’ or otherwise. I question and I cannot take the doctrines that are imposed by their word alone.

I think I always believed in something more than a Church for my faith. I remember sitting in open air churches and feeling closer to a higher spirit then I ever could in a building. I’ve always seen spirituality through the natural world, through people and through the experiences I’ve had. I’m just as likely to be moved by a beautiful flower as I am by a heroic act in dire circumstances.

In the darkest depths of my depression, in those moments of utter hopelessness, I lost any sense of faith, belief, even myself. There was nothing anymore and if it was not for medical intervention, I would not be here. It’s not easy admitting that you wanted to die and it’s in such sharp contrast to where I am now that it seems like I am looking at someone else’s life. Sometimes I wonder if without medication, would I still have that same sense of hopelessness, even after the years I’ve spent clawing back from that darkness? Is that my natural state? I can’t honestly answer that and I am not willing to try and find out either.

Today, I believe in myself. That’s something I couldn’t have said before. I believe in the love I share with Simon. I believe in the love I share with my family and my friends. I believe in the goodness of people and am saddened when I see people acting cruelly or are unkind to others. I believe in people smarter than me working towards a more sustainable future and making tangible differences in the lives of others. I believe in the human spirit to fight for justice and social good. I believe in the medications I take to keep me alive.

I am grateful every day that I am still here. That I have a life I could have barely dreamed possible five years ago. I feel I am incredibly lucky to have Simon by my side. I am grateful that when the medications worked and I was able to put in the work I needed to do to be well again, there was enough hope and spirit in me to fight on. I am grateful for the second chance I’ve been given and the faith others have placed in me to take that chance and thrive.

31 things: read

Me & my books

ONE| I have devoured books since I was a child. I remember the librarian at school gently suggesting that I don’t borrow certain books because I would have them read by the end of lunch time. She was always right. I remember wanting to keep on reading after I was supposed to turn off my light and for awhile I would sneak out of bed and read by the crack of light at my door. Inevitably, I got caught and my bedroom door was always closed after that!

TWO| The words Simon dreads to hear are “I’ve run out of bookshelf space!” This scares him most of all because there are still so many of my books to be unpacked. Another trip to IKEA is in our future for more bookshelves. It is one of my dreams to have my own library, complete with wall to wall bookshelves and a comfy lounge. Think the library of Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady. This also scares Simon.

THREE| I have fought and fought joining the iBook invasion. Since I have had an iPad (and an iPad2 and an iPad3 – I upgraded quickly!), I have started to buy a few books from iTunes. When I first got my iPhone, I did download reading apps, most notably the Complete Works of Shakespeare. My copy was packed away is my justification. When Simon was away I found it easier to read on my iPad and wait for him to call me on FaceTime. On my iPad I’m reading Peter Fitzsimons’ biography of Nancy Wake and I also have the Bloggess’ book Let’s Pretend This Never happened (A Mostly True Memoir) there to read.

FOUR| I will never lose the love of physical books. I love the touch of the paper, the covers, the smell, the different sizes and how they look all lined up on my bookshelves. Some books are for at home reading as they are on the large side but most of the time I will have a book with me wherever I go. I have no problem sitting in a cafe on my own and just reading, I prefer it to be honest! I’m not so good with reading while on a bus or in the car, seeing motion out of the corner of my eye plays with my equilibrium. Trains and planes seem to be okay.

FIVE| What I’m reading now: Stephanie Alexander’s A Cook’s Life, Kerry Greenwood’s Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries and Penelope Hanley’s Creative Lives: Personal Papers of Australian Writers and Artists.

SIX| My favourite place to read is in bed, curled up with a cup of tea, and most nights this is what I do before I turn off the light. Our lounge is not overly comfortable but I do often sit listening to music and rubbing the belly of one of the cats. Sitting at my desk eating lunch is now a regular spot. I would love to have a comfy chair or a beanbag that I could put next to the sliding door and bask in the winter sun, if we only had the space for it! Maybe soon?

SEVEN| My favourite books are varied and speak to different aspects of who I am. The Great Gatsby and To Kill A Mockingbird for sheer brilliance in writing and wonderful story telling. A Farewell to Arms for the emotional journey and power of Hemingway’s use of language. Katherine Kerr’s The Deverry Series for the characters and the journey she takes you on over 18 books. Harry Potter for the pure joy of reading and magic. Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries for the escapism, wit of writing and the darling character of Phryne.

EIGHT| My library ranges from my favourite children’s books, to novels, poetry,  biographies, text books, art and reference books, through to cookbooks, gardening books (I try, I really try!) and scrapbooking books. You can pretty much sum me up from looking at the books I own.

NINE| I am dangerous in bookshops. Just saying.